I look at Facebook occasionally and I saw an article reposted by our friend Alice and written by a woman named Diana Nelson on the December the 26^th.  I have taken the liberty of expanding her message to include not just family members but everyone in our lives that we may feel a desire to treat as Diana has said so eloquently. This just may be one of the more profound posts I have seen.

In our human journey today, a pervasive belief is emerging: if a relationship causes discomfort, it is abusive; if someone disappoints you, they are toxic; and if your parents fail to meet your emotional needs perfectly, you are justified in cutting them out of your life entirely. This notion is not only false but also destructive. Human relationships, within families, school, work, and even church are inherently complex and imperfect. Conflict is not evidence of abuse; it is evidence of relationship. That bears repeating! CONFLICT is not evidence of abuse: it is evidence of relationship.

The Fantasy of the Mind-Reading Person

Many people today carry an unspoken expectation that the other people in their lives should instinctively know the right thing to say, at the right moment, with the right emotional tone, forever. This is not emotional intelligence folks; it is fantasy. People who are not therapists or circus mind readers are individuals who are navigating their own challenges. Demanding perfection from them—and then severing ties when they fall short—is not empowerment; it is relational absolutism.

The Confusion Between Discomfort and Abuse

True abuse exists, it does, and those of us that are caregivers know how devastating it can be. However, that does not always make disagreement, criticism, awkwardness, unsolicited advice, generational differences, and emotional clumsiness abuse. They are the normal friction of human closeness. Mistaking discomfort for danger leads to a collapse in tolerance for relational discomfort, undermining the resilience that families, schools, work and even churches need to thrive.

In today’s human journey, there seems to be a noticeable shift in how we handle relationships, often leading to misunderstandings and missed opportunities for growth. Many individuals now avoid conflict altogether, fearing it will harm their relationships. This avoidance can result in unresolved issues, suppressed emotions, and a lack of emotional intimacy. Instead of addressing discomfort, it’s often mistaken for danger, leading to withdrawal rather than open communication. Additionally, there’s a trend of using therapeutic language without fully understanding its depth, which can dilute its effectiveness and set you up for failure. (healthline.com) To be clear, with all my training, we are told repeatedly that we are not therapists and when real abuse is present to refer out to a person that can deal with it in the right way.

Where has this cultural overcorrection come from and can we see the significant consequences? By avoiding conflict, individuals miss the chance to develop emotional literacy and conflict resolution skills. Josh Freedman of the 6 Seconds the Emotional Intelligence Network, often liked to say, “Healthy relationships require the ability to navigate disagreements constructively, not to evade them”.

When discomfort is equated with danger, and boundaries are confused with withdrawal, relationships can become shallow and unfulfilling. It’s essential to recognize that conflict, when managed properly, can strengthen bonds and lead to personal and relational growth. (healthline.com)

This cultural shift is not a conspiracy; it is an overcorrection. And overcorrections always swing back.

As an example, when families default to cutting off members during conflicts, the repercussions extend far beyond the immediate dispute. Such separations can lead to fractured family units, with grandparents becoming estranged from their grandchildren, resulting in the loss of valuable wisdom and experiences. This breakdown often fosters increased loneliness among individuals and erodes the social trust that binds communities together. As reconciliation becomes less common, accountability diminishes, and the opportunity for personal and relational growth through conflict resolution is lost.

To give a personal example, one of my children has cut me off, out of their life. They say that I hurt them. I may have, I just don’t know what it is that I have done, so it is hard to reconcile, and the pain of separation goes on.

The rise of a “cut them off” culture signifies a profound shift in how we perceive and manage familial relationships at home and everywhere else. While setting healthy boundaries is essential, resorting to complete severance can have detrimental effects on both individuals and society. It’s crucial to recognize that conflict, when addressed constructively, can strengthen bonds and lead to personal growth. By fostering open communication and understanding, relationships can navigate disagreements without resorting to permanent estrangement, thereby preserving the integrity and resilience of all familial connections.

Most tragically, people lose the opportunity to grow through relationships rather than flee from them. A society cannot survive if every disagreement is treated as grounds for exile.

That is not to say we should ignore establishing healthy boundaries which is essential for maintaining respectful and functional relationships. Such boundaries involve clearly communicating personal needs and limits to ensure mutual respect and understanding. For example, expressing a need for respectful communication, setting topics that are off-limits, or requesting personal space are all indicative of healthy boundaries. These actions help define acceptable behaviors and protect individual well-being within the relationship.

Conversely, unhealthy boundaries can manifest as extreme reactions that sever connections rather than regulate them. Statements like “You are dead to me,” “You’ll never see your grandchildren again,” or labeling someone as “toxic” for causing discomfort are not boundary-setting; they are forms of relational annihilation. Such responses can lead to emotional harm and the breakdown of relationships. It’s crucial to distinguish between setting healthy boundaries and resorting to punitive measures that harm the relational fabric.

The Quiet Truth No One Wants to Admit

Most relationships are not abusive; they are imperfect. Most people are not narcissists; they are human. Most conflicts are not trauma; they are communication failures. And most estrangements, if examined honestly, contain pain on both sides—not villains and victims.

Civilizations that endure are grounded in principles such as forgiveness, endurance, humility, and intergenerational connection. These values foster strong familial bonds and societal cohesion. However, when these foundational elements are supplanted by hyper-individualism, emotional absolutism, and moral superiority, the fabric of society begins to unravel. Hyper-individualism, which emphasizes personal autonomy and self-interest, can erode community bonds and collective responsibility, leading to social fragmentation and isolation.

This shift towards individualism often results in weakened people structures, as traditional support systems diminish and individuals prioritize personal goals over communal well-being. The decline in familial support networks contributes to increased loneliness and a diminished sense of belonging. As people fail to provide the necessary support and connection for each other, societies at large are affected, leading to a breakdown in social trust and a decline in overall societal resilience. Therefore, the erosion of these core values within families and outside can precipitate broader societal challenges, underscoring the critical importance of nurturing these principles to maintain a cohesive and enduring civilization.

Lastly, love is not the absence of conflict. Love is the decision to stay present when conflict arises. Growth does not come from perfect conditions. It comes from learning how to live with imperfect people—including our parents, our children, our friends, our co-workers and ourselves. If we forget that, we don’t become healthier; we become alone.

Three Areas of Help

1. Developing Healthy Boundaries

Establishing clear and respectful boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy people relationships. Boundaries help protect personal space and emotional well-being, allowing individuals to express their needs and expectations without fear of judgment or retaliation. For instance, setting limits on personal time or defining acceptable behaviors can prevent misunderstandings and reduce conflicts. Open communication about these boundaries fosters mutual respect and understanding among people.

2. Enhancing Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how it is managed determines the health of the relationship. Developing effective conflict resolution skills involves active listening, empathy, and the ability to find common ground. Approaching disagreements with a problem-solving mindset rather than a confrontational one can lead to constructive outcomes. Seeking professional guidance, such as therapy, coaching or spiritual direction can provide tools and strategies to navigate conflicts healthily.

3. Building People Resilience

Resilience is the ability to adapt and thrive in the face of adversity. People can build resilience by fostering strong emotional connections, maintaining open lines of communication, and supporting each other through challenges. Engaging in shared activities, expressing appreciation, and creating a supportive environment contribute to a people’s overall resilience. Resilient people are better equipped to handle stressors and maintain cohesion during difficult times.

Thank you for reading and I wonder if you have thoughts you would like to share in comments.

Also, there are many other blog posts at spiritofeq.com/blog.

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W. W. Norton & Company.

Haidt, J. (2012). The righteous mind: Why good people are divided by politics and religion. Pantheon Books.