Eddy Hopping: Navigating Life’s Rapids

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It occurs to me that life is complicated. Yeah Jim, we know that, and as a start to the new year and where we set those pesky new year’s resolutions, it made sense to do a series on resting in the face of life’s rapids.

As I stood at the edge of the river, the roar of the rapids ahead filled me with a mix of excitement and apprehension. I was going to go down the New River and hit those class 4 and 5 rapids with purpose. The guide’s voice cut through the noise and my reflection, explaining the technique of “eddy hopping”—a method where paddlers skillfully navigate from one calm eddy to another, using these brief pauses to assess, plan, and gather strength before tackling the next rapid. This technique, I realized, mirrored the challenges and strategies in my own life. And there were and are a lot of them.

The Metaphor of Eddy Hopping

In whitewater paddling, an eddy is a calm area of water formed behind obstacles like rocks or bends in the river. Paddlers use eddy hopping to navigate through challenging rapids by moving from one eddy to the next, allowing for brief moments of respite and reflection. This approach can be applied to personal development in several ways:

  1. Strategic Pauses: Just as paddlers pause in eddies to assess their path, we can take moments in our lives to reflect, gather strength, and make thoughtful decisions.
  2. Continuous Learning: Each “hop” from one challenge to the next is an opportunity to learn, adapt, and grow.
  3. Purposeful Progression: By moving intentionally from one goal to another, we maintain direction and momentum in our personal and professional lives.

Applying Eddy Hopping to Personal Development

Reflecting on my own journey, I recognized several areas where the principles of eddy hopping could be applied:

  1. Set Clear Goals: I began by defining what each “eddy” represented in my life—be it a project, relationship, or personal milestone. This clarity provided a roadmap for my journey.
  2. I needed to embrace the Journey: Understanding that each step, or “hop,” was part of a larger process helped me celebrate small victories and learn from setbacks. I realized that the journey itself was as important as the destination. I can share with you now that when I saw the first class 5 rapids my heart skipped a beat — they are very scary.
  3. Maintain Balance: Just as paddlers must balance their boat to navigate eddy lines, I recognized the importance of balancing my efforts to avoid burnout and ensure sustainable progress. This meant setting realistic expectations and taking time for self-care. We were in a raft and that meant working together.
  4. Seek Support: In paddling, teamwork is crucial. Similarly, I understood the value of surrounding myself with supportive individuals who could provide guidance, encouragement, and shared wisdom. Building a network of mentors and peers became a priority.

Overcoming Personal Challenges

Applying the concept of eddy hopping to my life was not without its challenges. There were moments when the rapids seemed overwhelming, and the next eddy appeared distant. During these times, I reminded myself of the importance of strategic pauses. Taking a moment to breathe, reflect, and reassess my path allowed me to approach challenges with renewed clarity and purpose. And if you remember from other blogs, Centering prayer (or Meditation) is an important part of my routine each morning as I eddy hop from day to day.

Continuous learning became a cornerstone of my journey. Each setback was something I tried to view as an opportunity to adapt and grow. I embraced the idea that mistakes were not failures but steppingstones toward improvement. This mindset shift transformed my approach to challenges, making them less daunting and more manageable. And one of the ways I did it was to remember that while other people’s opinions were important to me, they were not going to help me if they were negative.

Intentional progression required me to set clear, achievable goals and move towards them with intention. I learned to break down larger objectives into smaller, actionable steps, making the journey less overwhelming and more structured. This approach provided a sense of direction as I checked off each success.

Maintaining balance was perhaps the most challenging part. In the pursuit of goals, it was easy to become consumed by work and responsibilities. However, I recognized the importance of self-care and the need to recharge. Just as a paddler must rest to navigate the river effectively, I understood that taking time for myself was essential for sustained progress.

Seeking support was transformative. I reached out to mentors, friends, and colleagues who offered diverse perspectives and encouragement. Their insights and experiences provided valuable guidance, reminding me that I was not alone in my journey.

The Role of Resilience

Resilience played a pivotal role in my application of eddy hopping principles. Life, much like the river, is unpredictable and filled with obstacles. Embracing the concept of eddy hopping taught me to navigate these challenges with purpose and resilience. Each eddy provided a moment to regroup, reflect, and prepare for the next rapid, reinforcing the idea that setbacks are temporary and part of the journey.

Putting it all together

Eddy hopping in whitewater rafting is more than a technique; it’s a philosophy of navigating challenges with purpose, precision, and resilience. By adopting this approach, I learned to steer through life’s rapids, making deliberate choices that led me toward my desired destination. The journey, with its ebbs and flows, became a testament to the power of strategic pauses, continuous learning, purposeful progression, and the support of a community. As I continue to navigate the river of life, I carry with me the lessons learned from each eddy, each rapid, and each moment of reflection, knowing that with each hop, I am moving closer to the person I aspire and want to be.

The Myth of the Perfect relationship

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I look at Facebook occasionally and I saw an article reposted by our friend Alice and written by a woman named Diana Nelson on the December the 26th.  I have taken the liberty of expanding her message to include not just family members but everyone in our lives that we may feel a desire to treat as Diana has said so eloquently. This just may be one of the more profound posts I have seen.

In our human journey today, a pervasive belief is emerging: if a relationship causes discomfort, it is abusive; if someone disappoints you, they are toxic; and if your parents fail to meet your emotional needs perfectly, you are justified in cutting them out of your life entirely. This notion is not only false but also destructive. Human relationships, within families, school, work, and even church are inherently complex and imperfect. Conflict is not evidence of abuse; it is evidence of relationship. That bears repeating! CONFLICT is not evidence of abuse: it is evidence of relationship.

The Fantasy of the Mind-Reading Person

Many people today carry an unspoken expectation that the other people in their lives should instinctively know the right thing to say, at the right moment, with the right emotional tone, forever. This is not emotional intelligence folks; it is fantasy. People who are not therapists or circus mind readers are individuals who are navigating their own challenges. Demanding perfection from them—and then severing ties when they fall short—is not empowerment; it is relational absolutism.

The Confusion Between Discomfort and Abuse

True abuse exists, it does, and those of us that are caregivers know how devastating it can be. However, that does not always make disagreement, criticism, awkwardness, unsolicited advice, generational differences, and emotional clumsiness abuse. They are the normal friction of human closeness. Mistaking discomfort for danger leads to a collapse in tolerance for relational discomfort, undermining the resilience that families, schools, work and even churches need to thrive.

In today’s human journey, there seems to be a noticeable shift in how we handle relationships, often leading to misunderstandings and missed opportunities for growth. Many individuals now avoid conflict altogether, fearing it will harm their relationships. This avoidance can result in unresolved issues, suppressed emotions, and a lack of emotional intimacy. Instead of addressing discomfort, it’s often mistaken for danger, leading to withdrawal rather than open communication. Additionally, there’s a trend of using therapeutic language without fully understanding its depth, which can dilute its effectiveness and set you up for failure. (healthline.com) To be clear, with all my training, we are told repeatedly that we are not therapists and when real abuse is present to refer out to a person that can deal with it in the right way.

Where has this cultural overcorrection come from and can we see the significant consequences? By avoiding conflict, individuals miss the chance to develop emotional literacy and conflict resolution skills. Josh Freedman of the 6 Seconds the Emotional Intelligence Network, often liked to say, “Healthy relationships require the ability to navigate disagreements constructively, not to evade them”.

When discomfort is equated with danger, and boundaries are confused with withdrawal, relationships can become shallow and unfulfilling. It’s essential to recognize that conflict, when managed properly, can strengthen bonds and lead to personal and relational growth. (healthline.com)

This cultural shift is not a conspiracy; it is an overcorrection. And overcorrections always swing back.

As an example, when families default to cutting off members during conflicts, the repercussions extend far beyond the immediate dispute. Such separations can lead to fractured family units, with grandparents becoming estranged from their grandchildren, resulting in the loss of valuable wisdom and experiences. This breakdown often fosters increased loneliness among individuals and erodes the social trust that binds communities together. As reconciliation becomes less common, accountability diminishes, and the opportunity for personal and relational growth through conflict resolution is lost.

To give a personal example, one of my children has cut me off, out of their life. They say that I hurt them. I may have, I just don’t know what it is that I have done, so it is hard to reconcile, and the pain of separation goes on.

The rise of a “cut them off” culture signifies a profound shift in how we perceive and manage familial relationships at home and everywhere else. While setting healthy boundaries is essential, resorting to complete severance can have detrimental effects on both individuals and society. It’s crucial to recognize that conflict, when addressed constructively, can strengthen bonds and lead to personal growth. By fostering open communication and understanding, relationships can navigate disagreements without resorting to permanent estrangement, thereby preserving the integrity and resilience of all familial connections.

Most tragically, people lose the opportunity to grow through relationships rather than flee from them. A society cannot survive if every disagreement is treated as grounds for exile.

That is not to say we should ignore establishing healthy boundaries which is essential for maintaining respectful and functional relationships. Such boundaries involve clearly communicating personal needs and limits to ensure mutual respect and understanding. For example, expressing a need for respectful communication, setting topics that are off-limits, or requesting personal space are all indicative of healthy boundaries. These actions help define acceptable behaviors and protect individual well-being within the relationship.

Conversely, unhealthy boundaries can manifest as extreme reactions that sever connections rather than regulate them. Statements like “You are dead to me,” “You’ll never see your grandchildren again,” or labeling someone as “toxic” for causing discomfort are not boundary-setting; they are forms of relational annihilation. Such responses can lead to emotional harm and the breakdown of relationships. It’s crucial to distinguish between setting healthy boundaries and resorting to punitive measures that harm the relational fabric.

The Quiet Truth No One Wants to Admit

Most relationships are not abusive; they are imperfect. Most people are not narcissists; they are human. Most conflicts are not trauma; they are communication failures. And most estrangements, if examined honestly, contain pain on both sides—not villains and victims.

Civilizations that endure are grounded in principles such as forgiveness, endurance, humility, and intergenerational connection. These values foster strong familial bonds and societal cohesion. However, when these foundational elements are supplanted by hyper-individualism, emotional absolutism, and moral superiority, the fabric of society begins to unravel. Hyper-individualism, which emphasizes personal autonomy and self-interest, can erode community bonds and collective responsibility, leading to social fragmentation and isolation.

This shift towards individualism often results in weakened people structures, as traditional support systems diminish and individuals prioritize personal goals over communal well-being. The decline in familial support networks contributes to increased loneliness and a diminished sense of belonging. As people fail to provide the necessary support and connection for each other, societies at large are affected, leading to a breakdown in social trust and a decline in overall societal resilience. Therefore, the erosion of these core values within families and outside can precipitate broader societal challenges, underscoring the critical importance of nurturing these principles to maintain a cohesive and enduring civilization.

Lastly, love is not the absence of conflict. Love is the decision to stay present when conflict arises. Growth does not come from perfect conditions. It comes from learning how to live with imperfect people—including our parents, our children, our friends, our co-workers and ourselves. If we forget that, we don’t become healthier; we become alone.

Three Areas of Help

  1. Developing Healthy Boundaries

Establishing clear and respectful boundaries is crucial for maintaining healthy people relationships. Boundaries help protect personal space and emotional well-being, allowing individuals to express their needs and expectations without fear of judgment or retaliation. For instance, setting limits on personal time or defining acceptable behaviors can prevent misunderstandings and reduce conflicts. Open communication about these boundaries fosters mutual respect and understanding among people.

  1. Enhancing Conflict Resolution Skills

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how it is managed determines the health of the relationship. Developing effective conflict resolution skills involves active listening, empathy, and the ability to find common ground. Approaching disagreements with a problem-solving mindset rather than a confrontational one can lead to constructive outcomes. Seeking professional guidance, such as therapy, coaching or spiritual direction can provide tools and strategies to navigate conflicts healthily.

  1. Building People Resilience

Resilience is the ability to adapt and thrive in the face of adversity. People can build resilience by fostering strong emotional connections, maintaining open lines of communication, and supporting each other through challenges. Engaging in shared activities, expressing appreciation, and creating a supportive environment contribute to a people’s overall resilience. Resilient people are better equipped to handle stressors and maintain cohesion during difficult times.

Thank you for reading and I wonder if you have thoughts you would like to share in comments.

Also, there are many other blog posts at spiritofeq.com/blog.

 

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

Boss, P. (2006). Loss, trauma, and resilience: Therapeutic work with ambiguous loss. W. W. Norton & Company.

Haidt, J. (2012). The righteous mind: Why good people are divided by politics and religion. Pantheon Books.

Dismantling the Inner Empire

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Today for the day after Christmas I want to write a blog that talks about the Spirituality of Christ. In recent years, the troubling realities of living in the world that has come home to roost on many of us. Being one of the only worlds superpowers what is ours to do? As a country that bases its whole existence on democratic foundations, what is ours to do.When Christ came to us his message was simple, Love and non-violence.

( Democratic foundations are the core principles and structures ensuring rule by the people, including popular sovereignty, individual rights (freedom, justice, equality), rule of law, free & fair elections, checks & balances, and an engaged civil society, all working to create accountable, inclusive governance and protect against tyranny. These foundations rely on active public participation, independent institutions, and transparency to build trust and uphold democracy and have nothing to do with political parties)

 

This disintegration of the world’s foundations today provides us with a profound moral and spiritual decision, just as Jesus talked about for his entire life. The four cornerstones of our internal empire as talked about by many wisdom teachers throughout history are—political, economic, military, and ideological power—which serve to enslave our very spirits and how we look at other communities. These communities can be and are not limited to any color, political persuasion, gender, and so forth. And while the first three cornerstones impose harsh realities on the very bedrock of our personhood, it is the ideological power that is the most insidious, shaping and distorting the minds and spirits of both the outside of us and inside of us What Jesus is talking about in his ministry is about the Roman empire, and using that example how we were to live our life’s. This example of course was not limited to the Roman empire because all world superpowers throughout history have acted like this. Jesus came to us in a time when the Romans happened to be in charge.

This moment in history calls for critical self-reflection. We have been indoctrinated by the very forces that uphold the American Ideal, taught to prioritize profit over people and individualism over interdependence. Such values lead to a disembodiment of God’s love, creating an inner empire in each of us that must be dismantled and rebuilt. Those of us calling ourselves Christians, (and others as well) are called to respond with clarity and love, embodying values that reflect the teachings of Jesus.

The Four Cornerstones of the Inner Empire

The traditional Inner Empire is built upon four cornerstones: supremacy, privilege, hatred, and fear. Each of these elements contributes to the dehumanization of both us and others.

  1. Supremacy: This cornerstone embodies the belief in our inherent superiority over others. It fosters division and alienation, leading us to view others as less than ourselves.
  2. Privilege: This refers to the unearned advantages we often take for granted, which we protect or ignore at the expense of     marginalized communities, see above. Recognizing our privilege is essential for fostering empathy and understanding.
  3. Hatred: Hatred manifests as active hostility toward others or even parts of ourselves. It creates barriers that prevent us from experiencing authentic love and connection and understanding.
  4. Fear: Fear drives us to protect ourselves at all costs. When we fear losing control, status, or safety, we build walls that isolate us from others and from God’s love.

Understanding how these cornerstones corrode our souls is crucial. The question then arises: what can restore our souls?

The Cornerstone of Restoration

In Matthew 21:42, we read, “The stone that the builders rejected has become the cornerstone.” This verse speaks to the transformative power of Jesus, who was a tekton—a builder in the truest sense. As a day laborer, Jesus understood the intricacies of construction, not just of physical structures but of the spiritual and communal foundations we need to thrive.

To rebuild our foundation, we must adopt four new cornerstones: humility, responsibility, compassion, and connection. These practices can help restore our humanity toward ourselves and others, paving the way for a world where, as Pope Francis states, “land, lodging, and labor” are accessible to all.

  1. Humility: This cornerstone allows us to see one another as equals, fostering deep reverence and openness. It reminds us of our shared existence in the vast cosmos, where we are all stardust.
  2. Responsibility: Embracing responsibility means being accountable for our actions and becoming stewards of one another and the land. It encourages us to act with integrity and care.
  3. Compassion: Compassion nurtures empathy, love, and benevolence, enabling us to tap into God’s tenderness for the world. It invites us to extend grace to ourselves and others. Have you ever considered that everyone in the world is doing the best they can with what they know and what they know is not what you understand.
  4. Connection: Perhaps the most vital cornerstone, connection teaches us about radical solidarity and belonging. It reminds us that when one group suffers injustice, we all suffer. Our sacred interconnectedness calls us to action.

A Call to Courage

 

My parents went to see MLK in 1961 at Cobo Hall in Detroit and came home and said, we are moving to the inner city, the real inner city. My brother and I freaked out. What did that mean for our lives, our friends and what we had come to think of as normal. So, in and around June of 1962 we moved to Highland Park just off Woodward on Massachusetts Ave and settled in for a life changing experience. Now it was not going to be all bad I thought as there was a public library and Howard Johnsons at the end of the street where a chocolate milkshake could be had now and then with the right amount of change from bottle collecting. But then reality set in, I Iooked around and saw very few people that looked like me, (white) and was not sure how to act at 10 years of age.

I tried to make friends and was looked at with suspicion and caution which at the time did not understand, because look at me, I am a very nice guy. Then the beatings started because I was told this was not my place to be. And while those beatings were not fair or just, I had a choice to make at those moments, was I going to hate or love. Luckily my parents taught me to see the dignity in each person and separate actions from intent. So, I had a leg up on many others and friends, those years molded my soul to see beyond the veil and embrace all of life.

When we want to dismantle the inner empire, we must have the courage to shake the very foundations of our spiritual world. By examining our entitlement, privilege, and positions of power, we can rediscover our true understanding of self, others, God, and the planet. This process requires vulnerability and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths.

Creating the world we desire begins with ourselves. We must dismantle the inner empires we have built brick by brick, belief by belief. The empire within must fall so that solidarity, justice, and love can rise.

As we embark on this journey of transformation, let us remember the words of Joanna Arellano-Gonzalez, cofounder and Director of Spiritual & Theological Formation with the Coalition for Spiritual & Public Leadership. Her work emphasizes the importance of spiritually rooted community organizing, reminding us that we are not alone in this endeavor. Together, we can build a more just and loving world.

In conclusion, the call to dismantle the inner empire is not just a personal journey; it is a collective one. By embracing humility, responsibility, compassion, and connection, we can restore our souls and create a society that reflects the values of love and justice. Let us rise to this challenge, for the world we want to see begins within us.

This blog was inspired by the writing of Joanna Arellano-Gonzalez who is a cofounder and the Director of Spiritual & Theological Formation with the Coalition for Spiritual & Public Leadership, a spiritually rooted community organizing coalition in the Chicagoland area. Visit their work at csplaction.org.

What happens When Intellectual Answers Fall Short

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With all that is happening in today’s world, leaders frequently encounter situations where traditional intellectual processes fail to provide clear answers. In these moments, the ability to draw upon emotional and spiritual intelligence becomes paramount. These areas of spiritual and emotional intelligence are not always thought about in a society that values the cognitive process. I thought I would use this blog post to explore four key strategies that leaders can employ to navigate uncertainty effectively, while fostering resilience and innovation within their teams coming into the new year

  1. Embrace Deep Reflection and Strategic Thinking

When faced with ambiguity, leaders should first engage in deep reflection instead of reaction. This involves stepping back from the immediate pressures of decision-making to consider the broader context and implications of the situation. Leaders can ask themselves critical questions: What are the underlying values guiding my decisions? How do I want to lead my team through this uncertainty? What are my values and how they align with the company’s mission? When I co-owned Varment Guard I must admit with some chagrin that I was highly reactive in the beginning of the company. I would get angry at the drop of a hat if things were not going well and I did not notice the damage I was doing to my partners and employees. Just because I was CEO did not mean I could abuse people with anger.

Strategic thinking in this context means not just analyzing data but also considering the emotional and spiritual dimensions of the challenge. Leaders can benefit from practices such as journaling, meditation, or quiet contemplation, which allow them to process their thoughts and feelings. By doing so, they can gain clarity on their values and priorities, which will guide their actions moving forward.

Actionable Tip:

Setting aside regular time for reflection is a vital practice for personal and professional growth, particularly in leadership roles. You will never be able to process emotional thoughts and feelings when you are under pressure. By engaging in activities such as journaling or meditation which provides a structured opportunity to delve into your thoughts and feelings regarding current challenges you may be facing. This dedicated time allows you to step back from the hustle and bustle of daily responsibilities, creating a space where you can thoughtfully analyze your experiences and reactions. By exploring your emotions and thought processes, you gain a deeper understanding of your leadership approach, identifying areas of strength and opportunities for improvement. This reflective practice not only enhances self-awareness but also fosters resilience, enabling you to navigate challenges with greater clarity and confidence. Ultimately, making reflection a regular part of your routine can lead to more informed decision-making and a more authentic leadership style. And for me, Jim, I started centering prayer 30 plus years ago to find my center.

  1. Foster a Culture of Empathy and Open Dialogue

A leader with high emotional intelligence recognizes the importance of empathy in times of uncertainty. When intellectual answers are lacking, fostering a culture of open dialogue becomes essential. Leaders should encourage team members to share their thoughts, feelings, and concerns, creating a safe space for discussion.

By actively listening to their team, leaders can gain diverse perspectives that may lead to innovative solutions. This collaborative approach not only enhances problem-solving but also strengthens team cohesion. When team members feel heard and valued, they are more likely to contribute creatively and remain engaged, even in challenging circumstances. And again, I missed the boat with this valuable thought by taking the view “people would think I was weak if I did not have a tough exterior” how wrong I was.

Actionable Tip:

To foster a collaborative and supportive work environment, it is essential to implement regular check-ins or team meetings that prioritize open dialogue among team members. These meetings should be structured to encourage everyone to share their thoughts, feelings, and insights regarding ongoing projects and any challenges they may be facing. By creating a safe space for discussion, team members will feel more comfortable voicing their opinions and concerns, which can lead to innovative solutions and improved team dynamics. And here is the thing, you will not agree with everything suggested, it’s OK, try some of the suggestions you may be surprised. Additionally, actively soliciting input from all participants ensures that everyone has a voice in the conversation, promoting inclusivity and a sense of belonging within the team. This practice not only enhances communication but also strengthens relationships, ultimately contributing to a more engaged and productive workforce.

  1. Prioritize Adaptability and Resilience

In uncertain times, adaptability and resilience are crucial traits for effective leadership. Leaders must be willing to pivot their strategies and approaches as new information emerges. This requires a mindset that embraces change rather than fearing it.

Resilience involves not only bouncing back from setbacks but also learning from them. Leaders can model resilience by sharing their own experiences of overcoming challenges, demonstrating that failure is often a steppingstone to success. By cultivating a resilient mindset within their teams, leaders can inspire confidence and encourage a proactive approach to problem-solving. In 2008 when the housing bubble burst, we lost 50% of our residential accounts in 3 months. I knew that the company was watching to see if I put on the life vest. To be honest I was scared to death of even the next day, but I dove in and with one day at a time thinking we survived after two years of hard work by everyone and became stronger because of it.

Actionable Tip:

Encouraging a growth mindset within your team is essential for fostering a culture of continuous improvement and resilience, and it begins with an emotional connection to both successes and failures. Celebrating achievements, no matter how small, not only boosts morale but also instills a sense of pride and belonging among team members. When individuals feel recognized for their hard work, it reinforces their commitment and motivates them to strive for excellence. On the other hand, acknowledging setbacks with empathy and understanding transforms failures into valuable learning experiences. By framing these moments as opportunities for growth, you create a safe space where team members can reflect on their challenges without fear of judgment. This emotional support encourages them to embrace risks and explore new ideas, knowing that their contributions are valued. When team members feel emotionally secure and supported, they are more likely to engage creatively and push the boundaries of what is possible. Ultimately, fostering a growth mindset leads to a more connected, adaptive, and high-performing team, where every member feels empowered to learn and innovate together. Did you know that Mike Gerber in his book the E-myth says that leaders only make 60% right decisions? And must learn from the mistakes.

  1. Tune into the Emotional Landscape of the Team

Understanding the emotional landscape of the team is vital for effective leadership, especially when intellectual answers are elusive. Leaders should be attuned to the feelings and dynamics within their team, recognizing that emotions can significantly impact performance and morale.

By checking in with team members and observing non-verbal cues, leaders can gauge the emotional climate and address any concerns proactively. This might involve providing support, resources, or simply a listening ear. When leaders demonstrate empathy and understanding, they create a sense of psychological safety that empowers team members to take risks and explore new ideas.

This is important because we humans only get 7% of our communication with each other by the spoken word.

Actionable Tip:

In any fast-paced environment, it is essential to cultivate a culture that values not only productivity but also the emotional and spiritual well-being of each team member. By making it a habit to regularly check in with colleagues on both personal and professional levels, we create a space where individuals feel seen and heard. Asking open-ended questions about their well-being and how they are navigating current challenges fosters a sense of connection and support. We must do this because we do not know what someone else is feeling. And this practice reinforces the idea that emotional health is not just a personal journey but a collective responsibility, reminding us that when we nurture our spirits and care for one another, we can build a more resilient and harmonious workplace. In this way, we honor the interconnectedness of our experiences and the profound impact that empathy and understanding can have on our shared success.

In closing,

From my personal experience, I’ve come to realize that when intellectual processes fall short, it’s often in those moments that I can truly harness my emotional and spiritual intelligence as a leader. Embracing deep reflection has allowed me to connect more authentically with teams I have led, fostering a culture of empathy that encourages open communication and understanding. I’ve learned the importance of prioritizing adaptability, recognizing that flexibility is key in navigating the unpredictable nature of our work. By tuning into the emotional landscape of a team, I find that I can lead with confidence and grace, even in the face of uncertainty. This holistic approach not only strengthens our collective resilience but also deepens our connections, making us more effective as a unit.

These strategies not only enhance decision-making but also inspire teams to collaborate and innovate in the face of challenges. Ultimately, effective leadership in uncertain times is about more than just finding answers; it’s about creating an environment where everyone feels empowered to contribute to the solution. By employing these approaches, leaders can transform uncertainty into an opportunity for growth and connection, paving the way for a more resilient and engaged team.

Beyond Gifts and Traditions

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As the year draws to a close and the chill of winter settles in, a familiar warmth begins to envelop our hearts and homes. Christmas, a holiday celebrated by millions around the world, invites us to reflect on its deeper meanings beyond the surface-level festivities. Have you ever paused to consider what Christmas truly represents? While its religious and spiritual significance is paramount for many, the holiday has evolved into a rich tapestry of cultural celebrations, each thread woven with themes of goodwill, compassion, and community. If you allow me with this exploration, we will delve into the profound essence of Christmas and ponder how we can transform this season into a meaningful moment in our lives.

At its core, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ, a figure whose teachings of love, compassion, and forgiveness resonate across cultures and religions. For Christians, this holiday is a time of spiritual reflection, prayer, and connection with the divine. The nativity scene, with its humble beginnings in a stable, serves as a powerful reminder of the beauty found in simplicity and the importance of humility, while reflecting on how Jesus came into the world.

However, Christmas has also transcended its religious roots to become a cultural phenomenon. It is a time when families gather, communities come together, and traditions are passed down through generations. From the twinkling lights that adorn our homes to the carols that fill the air, the holiday season is infused with a sense of joy and togetherness for most people. Yet, amidst the hustle and bustle of shopping, decorating, and planning festive meals, we must ask ourselves: what is the true essence of this celebration?

In a world increasingly dominated by consumerism, it is easy to think the spirit of Christmas is about the act of gift-giving. The pressure to buy the perfect present or to outdo last year’s holiday haul can overshadow the more profound aspects of this season. While gifts can bring joy, they often lack the lasting significance that comes from genuine human connection.

I remember growing up with a real tree and all blue Christmas lights, globes and tinsel decorating that tree. I understand deeply that I was very blessed to grow up with those memories. There were people in the neighborhood that had much less. I will forever thank my parents for reminding me that we were lucky, asking what it meant to me and what about the other people that had less.

This Christmas, what would happen if we shifted our focus from material possessions to the gift of presence. (yes, I know some of you are already) The most meaningful moments often arise from shared experiences—gathering around the dinner table, sharing stories, or simply enjoying each other’s company. The laughter of loved ones, the warmth of a shared meal, and the comfort of familiar traditions create memories that linger long after the holiday season has passed.

This also reminds me of Willie Williams. (permission granted to use his name) Sadly, Willie is no longer with us. Many years ago, when I co-owned Varment Guard, Willie came to work with our company and over time through conversation and observation I came to understand that there were some addictions present and his struggles were often. Willie and I became close over that time. That Christmas I talked with my wife and suggested we invite him for dinner and gifts. I want to make very clear I did not do this because I was trying to save him. He became my friend. For the next 7 years he came to family celebrations, until he could not anymore and I missed him deeply.

Consider the impact of a heartfelt conversation with a friend or a family member you haven’t seen in a while. These moments of connection can be far more valuable than any physical gift. By prioritizing relationships over materialism, we can cultivate a deeper sense of belonging and community, which is at the heart of the Christmas spirit.

Acts of Kindness and Compassion!

Another profound aspect of Christmas is its emphasis on goodwill and compassion. The holiday season serves as a reminder to extend our hearts and hands to those in need. Whether through volunteering at a local shelter, donating to a charity, or simply reaching out to someone who may be feeling lonely, acts of kindness can have a ripple effect that transforms lives.

In many cultures, the act of giving is central to the Christmas celebration. However, it is essential to recognize that giving does not always have to be material. Sometimes, the most impactful gifts are those that come from the heart—offering your time, listening ear, or a helping hand. This season, let us embrace the spirit of giving by seeking out opportunities to uplift others. Remember Willie.

Imagine the joy of a child receiving a warm meal or a family finding comfort in a community that cares. These acts of compassion not only enrich the lives of those we help but also deepen our own sense of purpose and fulfillment. In this way, Christmas becomes a powerful catalyst for change, inspiring us to create a more compassionate world. The point to this paragraph is to think about what happens January 1st.

Traditions play a significant role in shaping our Christmas experience. From decorating the tree to singing carols, these rituals connect us to our past and to one another. However, it is essential to approach these traditions with intention.

As we engage in holiday customs, let us reflect on their significance. What do these traditions mean to us? How do they foster connection and community? By infusing our celebrations with mindfulness, we can transform routine activities into profound expressions of love and gratitude.

For instance, consider the tradition of baking cookies. Instead of viewing it as a chore, we can turn it into a cherished family event, where stories are shared, laughter abounds, and memories are created. Making chocolate chip cookies, sorry that snuck in there. By being present in these moments, we honor the spirit of Christmas and create a legacy of love that can be passed down through generations.

Ultimately, the question remains: how do we make Christmas an important moment in our lives? It begins with a conscious choice to seek meaning in the season. Rather than allowing the holiday to be defined by commercialism and superficiality, we can embrace its deeper significance.

This Christmas, let me challenge you by committing to cultivating a spirit of gratitude. Take time to reflect on the blessings in your life, the people who enrich your journey, and the lessons learned throughout the year. By fostering an attitude of gratitude, we can shift our perspective and find joy in the simple pleasures of the season.

Moreover, let us be open to the transformative power of Christmas. This holiday has the potential to inspire personal growth, healing, and renewal. Whether through acts of kindness, meaningful conversations, or moments of reflection, we can allow the spirit of Christmas to guide us toward a more profound understanding of ourselves and our place in the world.

I would like to encapsulate what is written above, so as we approach this Christmas season, let us remember that it is not merely a date on the calendar but an opportunity for profound connection, compassion, and reflection. By prioritizing relationships, embracing traditions with intention, and seeking meaning in our celebrations, we can transform this holiday into a powerful moment in our lives.

In a world that often feels divided, Christmas serves as a reminder of our shared humanity.It calls us to come together, to uplift one another, and to celebrate the beauty of life. So, as you prepare for the festivities, take a moment to reflect on what Christmas means to you. Let it be a time of love, joy, and profound connection—a season that resonates in your heart long after the decorations are taken down and the last carol has been sung.

Merry Christmas everyone, no matter how you celebrate.

Embracing the Dark Night

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I thought I would continue the dark night concept for one more post and talk about the journey of life, where we often encounter moments that challenge our understanding of joy, meaning, and purpose. These moments can be likened to a “Dark Night,” a term that spiritual director Therese DesCamp uses to describe periods of profound struggle and introspection. She says that during these times, we may feel a loss of meaning, joy, and certainty, accompanied by doubt and self-doubt. Yet, as DesCamp poignantly illustrates, even in the depths of despair, there exists a flicker of light—a desire to take care of ourselves, to serve others and a capacity for compassion that can emerge from our darkest experiences.

This concept of the dark night is not new; it has been explored by mystics and spiritual leaders throughout history. When we are in our heads and nothing makes sense, just maybe the reason is not intellectual. It could represent a phase where an individual is grappling with their beliefs, confronting their fears, and often feel isolated from the divine or their sense of self. DesCamp acknowledges that during these times, feelings of sorrow and confusion can be overwhelming. However, she also emphasizes that the dark night is not merely a period of suffering; it is a transformative experience that can lead to deeper connections with others.

DesCamp’s reflections remind us that while we may feel lost, we are not alone in our struggles. The dark night can serve as a catalyst for growth, pushing us to look beyond ourselves and recognize the shared human experience of suffering. It is in this recognition that we can begin to cultivate compassion—not just for others, but for ourselves as well.

One of the most striking aspects of DesCamp’s experience during her dark night is her ability to find humor in life. Laughter, even in the face of adversity, can be a powerful tool for healing. It allows us to take ourselves lightly, to step back from the weight of our struggles, and to find joy in the absurdities of life. This ability to laugh, especially at ourselves, can serve as a reminder that we are all imperfect beings navigating a complex world.

That reminds me of a work trip Lynette, and I had taken to Italy, and we had parked our car for lunch in the square of a small town, with lots of people around. When we came back out from lunch there were no people in sight and our car had been broken into with everything stolen, including my passport. Lynette and I looked over the roof of the car and started laughing, because the truth is it was absurd.

Humor can act as a bridge, connecting us to others and reminding us that we share common experiences. When we laugh, we create moments of levity that can break through the heaviness of our circumstances. DesCamp’s insight encourages us to seek out these moments of joy, even when they seem elusive. By embracing laughter, we can foster resilience and maintain a sense of hope amidst the darkness.

Perhaps the most profound realization that emerges from DesCamp’s reflections is the idea that the dark night can enhance our capacity for compassion. In times of personal struggle, we often become more attuned to the suffering of others. The pain we experience can deepen our empathy, allowing us to connect with those around us on a more profound level. DesCamp notes that caring for others can sometimes be the only relief from our own suffering, highlighting the interconnectedness of our experiences.

When we work hard to shift our focus away from our own ego and towards the needs of others, we can find purpose and meaning even in the darkest of times. This shift in perspective can be transformative, as it allows us to transcend our individual struggles and engage with the world in a more meaningful way. By extending compassion to others, we not only alleviate their suffering but also create a sense of community and belonging that can be incredibly healing.

DesCamp’s journey through the dark night has led her to a profound awareness of the preciousness of all life. In moments of despair, we may lose sight of the beauty that exists around us. However, the dark night can heighten our appreciation for the simple joys and connections that make life meaningful. It reminds us that even in our darkest moments, there loves to be found.

This awareness can inspire us to cultivate gratitude for the relationships we have and the experiences we share with others. It encourages us to recognize the inherent value in every individual and to approach life with a sense of reverence. By embracing the preciousness of life, we can transform our suffering into a source of strength and resilience.

As we navigate our own dark nights, it is essential to remember that these experiences are not permanent. They are phases of our journey that can lead to greater self-awareness and connection. DesCamp’s insights remind us that even when we feel lost, we have the capacity to serve, to love, and to find joy amid sorrow.

In practical terms, how can we embrace the lessons of the dark night? I have been thinking of a few suggestions from my own times in the “Dark Night”.

Practice Self-Compassion: Acknowledge your struggles without judgment. Hard to do right? Allow yourself to feel the emotions that arise during difficult times and treat yourself with the same kindness you would offer a friend.

Seek Connection: Reach out to others who may be experiencing their own dark nights. Share your experiences, listen to their stories, and offer support. Building a community of understanding can be incredibly healing.

Embrace Humor: Look for moments of levity in your life. (remember Italy) Find joy in the small things, and don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself. Humor can be a powerful antidote to despair.

Cultivate Gratitude: Take time each day to reflect on the things you are grateful for. This practice can help shift your focus from what is lacking to the abundance that exists in your life.

Engage in Service: Find ways to serve others, whether through volunteering, offering a listening ear, or simply being present for someone in need. Acts of kindness can create a sense of purpose and connection.

Tying all this together we can look at Therese DesCamp’s reflections on the dark night to offer a profound perspective on the human experience. While these periods of struggle can be challenging, they also provide opportunities for growth, connection, and compassion. By embracing the lessons of the dark night, we can emerge with a deeper understanding of ourselves and a greater capacity to love and serve others. I think I also need to make a point here about serving others, sometimes that means your own family, people at work, and so forth and not the stranger. In the end, it is through our shared experiences of suffering and joy that we find the light that guides us through the darkness.

Therese DesCamp, Hands Like Roots: Notes on an Entangled Contemplative Life (Santos Books, 2025), 108.

The Deep End of The Pool

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With this being a spiritual time of year I have been thinking about what that means and in a world which is overflowing with beauty, pleasure, and the allure of the senses, it is easy to become sidetracked by the tangible delights that life offers. From the breathtaking landscapes to exquisite art, (which I have a passion for) the sweetness of our existence can be intoxicating. Yet, amidst all this abundance, there lies a profound truth: the pursuit of superficial pleasures often leads to a hollow existence. As St, John of the Cross wisely reflects, “I would not sacrifice my soul for all the beauty of this world.” This sentiment invites us to explore a deeper, more meaningful quest—one that transcends what we see and ventures into the heart of the Mystery.

After seeing Mirabai Starr at the Richard Rohr Conference a few months ago and having my mind blown, I thought today would be a good day to take a little journey into living life. These finite pleasures of life, while enticing, are ultimately fleeting. They may provide momentary satisfaction, but they do not nourish the soul. St. John’s assertion that “the taste of finite pleasure leads nowhere” resonates deeply in a society that often prioritizes instant gratification. We chase after experiences, possessions, and accolades, believing they will fill the void within us. However, as we indulge in these transient delights, we may find ourselves exhausted and unfulfilled, our appetites will be ravaged by the very things we sought for comfort. Have you ever felt this way?

This exhaustion is not merely physical; it is spiritual and represents two of the four quadrants. The soul, when deprived of deeper meaning, becomes weary. St John captures this sentiment beautifully: “Ordinary pleasures sicken her.” When we can awaken to the reality that our true longing cannot be satisfied by the superficial, we begin to seek something more profound—an “I-don’t-know-what” that lies hidden in the heart of the Mystery. Have you ever gone after something more profound in your life?

What is this “I-don’t-know-what”? Is it the essence of existence, the divine spark that ignites our souls and beckons us toward a greater understanding of life. Is it the call to explore the depths of our being, to confront the mysteries that lie beyond our comprehension. This journey is not for the faint of heart; it requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to embrace uncertainty.

Inspired by the teachings of John of the Cross, Mirabai Starr encourages us to trust the difficult path of unknowing. In her translation of John of the Cross’s poem “Glosa á lo Divino,” she illuminates the beauty and necessity of surrendering to the unknown. Starr emphasizes that the journey into the depths of the soul often involves navigating through darkness and confusion, yet it is precisely in this unknowing that we can encounter the other. St John reminds us that “the generous heart does not collapse into the easy things but rises up in adversity.” This resilience is a must in our quest for the Mystery. That which makes life worth living. It is easy to settle for the comforts of the world, to cling to what is familiar and safe. However, true growth occurs when we confront challenges and seek meaning in the face of adversity. Faith becomes our guiding light, lifting us higher as we navigate the complexities of life.

When we allow ourselves to be touched by the divine, our souls undergo a transformation. The St John describes this experience as a burning “love-longing,” a deep yearning for connection with the Mystery. Our tastes are transfigured; we no longer find satisfaction in the ordinary. Instead, we crave the extraordinary, the profound, and the sacred. Have you ever felt this?

This longing can feel like a fever, an insatiable desire that drives us to seek the ungraspable. We become aware that the pleasures we once cherished no longer hold the same allure. The sweetness of life pales in comparison to the richness of the spiritual journey. We begin to understand that true fulfillment lies not in what we can see or touch, but in what we can feel and intuit—a connection to something greater than ourselves. This is how it worked for me.

In our pursuit of the Mystery, we must remain steadfast in our commitment to authenticity. St John declares, “I will never lose myself for anything the senses can taste, nor for anything the mind can grasp.” This declaration is a powerful reminder to prioritize our inner truth over external validation. In a world that often encourages conformity and superficiality, we must resist the temptation to compromise our souls for fleeting pleasures.

Instead, we are called to embark on a journey of self-discovery, to delve into the depths of our being and uncover the unique essence that resides within us. This journey may lead us to unexpected places, challenging our beliefs and expanding our understanding of the world. Yet, it is in this exploration that we find the “I-don’t-know-what” that we seek—a profound connection to the Mystery that transcends our individual experiences.

As we navigate the complexities of this life, it is essential to embrace the journey itself. The path to the heart of the Mystery is not linear; it is filled with twists and turns, the hero’s journey, moments of doubt, and bursts of clarity. We may encounter obstacles that test our resolve, but it is through these challenges that we grow and evolve.

Mirabai Starr’s insights into John of the Cross’s teachings remind us that the journey into the unknown is not a solitary endeavor. It is a shared experience, one that connects us to the collective human experience of seeking and longing. St John’s unwavering commitment to the Mystery serves as an inspiration for us all. “I am bound for an I-don’t-know-what deep within the heart of the Mystery.” This declaration encapsulates the essence of our quest—a journey fueled by curiosity, faith, and a deep longing for connection. It invites us to step beyond the confines of our comfort zones and explore the vastness of existence.

In a world that often prioritizes the tangible and the known, the call to embrace the Mystery is both radical and transformative. It challenges us to look beyond the surface and seek the deeper truths that lie hidden within. If we embark on this journey, we may find that the beauty of life is not found in the pleasures we can taste or the accolades we can achieve, but in the profound connections we forge with ourselves, others, and the divine.

Ultimately, the quest for the “I-don’t-know-what” is a journey of the soul—a journey that invites us to risk everything for the sake of authenticity, love, and the pursuit of meaning. As we navigate the complexities of existence, may we remain open to the Mystery that awaits us, savoring the richness of life that transcends the ordinary and embraces the extraordinary. In trusting the difficult path of unknowing, we may discover that the heart of the Mystery is not a destination, but a continuous unfolding of love, wisdom, and profound connection.

Inspired by the teachings of John of the Cross, Mirabai Starr encourages us to trust the difficult path of unknowing: Starr translates John of the Cross’s poem “Glosa á lo Divino”:

I would not sacrifice my soul

for all the beauty of this world

There is only one thing

for which I would risk everything:

an I-don’t-know-what

that lies hidden

in the heart of the Mystery.

The taste of finite pleasure

leads nowhere.

All it does is exhaust the appetite

and ravage the palate.

And so, I would not sacrifice my soul

for all the sweetness of this world.

But I would risk everything

for an I-don’t-know-what

that lies hidden

in the heart of the Mystery.

The generous heart

does not collapse into the easy things,

but rises up in adversity.

It settles for nothing.

Faith lifts it higher and higher.

Such a heart savors

an I-don’t-know-what

found only in the heart of the Mystery.

The soul that God has touched

burns with love-longing.

Her tastes have been transfigured.

Ordinary pleasures sicken her.

She is like a person with a fever.

nothing tastes good anymore.

All she wants

is an I-don’t-know-what

locked in the heart of

the Mystery….

I will never lose myself

for anything the senses can taste,

nor for anything the mind can grasp,

no matter how sublime,

            how delicious.

I will not pause for beauty,

I will not linger over grace.

I am bound for

an I-don’t-know-what

deep within the heart of the Mystery.

 

Find Mirabai Starr’s work here

Seven Decades, A Journey of Learning and Sharing

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Today, I thought I would take a moment to talk about myself, a topic I don’t often delve into with much depth. As I sit here, fingers poised over the keyboard, I find myself reflecting on the reasons why people write blogs. Is it to share knowledge, to connect with others, or perhaps to leave a small mark on the world? Truthfully, I wonder if my reasons are much different from those behind the wonderfully written blogs that populate the vast expanse of the internet. So here it is, a glimpse into my journey and the motivations that drive me to write.

In my seven decades of life, I’ve learned a few things. Most of these lessons have come from the mistakes I’ve made—those missteps I vowed never to repeat, only to find myself stumbling over them once more. It’s a humbling experience, realizing that despite our best intentions, we are all fallible. Yet, it’s through these very mistakes that I’ve grown, each one a steppingstone on the path of self-discovery.

This quest for understanding led me to seek out numerous trainings, each one a beacon of hope in my search for answers. I became a spiritual director and companion, a Master Certified Coach (MCC), a Narrative Enneagram teacher, and an emotional intelligence coach with Six Seconds, among other roles. Each title represents a chapter in my journey, a testament to my insatiable curiosity and desire to understand the human experience.

At the end of the day, what truly matters to me is working with other people. But let me be clear—it’s not because I believe I have all the answers. Far from it. Rather, I hope that, for some, I can be a light that illuminates their path, even if just a little. It’s a privilege to walk alongside others as they navigate their own journeys, offering support and guidance where I can.

The purpose of this blog, then, is to explore the issues that affect our society, to write about the things that impact us as a community. My hope is to offer insights, hope, or simply information that might resonate with someone out there. In a world that often feels fragmented and disconnected, perhaps these words can serve as a small bridge, connecting us through our shared experiences and understanding.

As I reflect on my life, I am reminded of the importance of community. We are, after all, social creatures, wired for connection. It’s in our interactions with others that we find meaning and purpose. Whether it’s a conversation with a friend, a shared moment with a stranger, or the simple act of listening, these connections end up being the threads that weave the fabric of our lives.

In my work as a spiritual director and coach, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing the resilience and strength of the human spirit. I’ve seen people overcome incredible odds, find healing in the face of deep wounds, and discover joy in the most unexpected places. These experiences have taught me that, no matter how dark the night, (dark night of the soul) there is always a glimmer of hope on the horizon.

One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned is the power of vulnerability. It’s in our willingness to be open and honest, to share our struggles and fears, that we find true connection. It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn time and again, as I navigate my own vulnerabilities and insecurities. But each time I choose to be vulnerable, I am reminded of the strength that lies in authenticity.

As I write this, I am filled with gratitude for the journey that has brought me here. It’s been a winding road, full of unexpected twists and turns, but each step has been a valuable part of my story. And while I may not have all the answers, I am committed to continuing this journey of learning and growth, both for myself and for those I have the privilege of working with.

I want to thank you for taking the time to read these words. Whether you’re a fellow seeker on this journey of life, or simply someone looking for a moment of connection, I hope you’ve found something here that resonates with you. As we navigate the complexities of our world, may we continue to seek understanding, to offer kindness, and to hold onto hope. After all, it’s in these small acts that we find the true essence of what it means to be human.

And since you joined me on this reflective journey today. I wonder If these words have resonated with you, and if so, I invite you to become part of this ongoing conversation. Share your thoughts, experiences, or questions in the comments below. Let’s build a community where we can learn from each other, support one another, and shine a light on the paths we walk together. If you know someone who might find value in these reflections, please share this blog with them. Together, we can create a ripple of connection and understanding in our world. Subscribe to stay updated on future posts, www.spiritofeq.com/blog and let’s continue this journey of growth and discovery side by side.

When will the least go first?

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If I can be really, painfully honest for a minute, I’ve always been the type of person who believes in being first. As an “8” on the Enneagram with a 1:1 subtype, I have a personality that can be described as “large or go home.” This trait has shaped my life in many ways, often pushing me to the front of the line—whether it was for food, concert tickets, or training sessions. I was the one who would elbow my way through the crowd, determined to secure my spot at the front. But as I reflect on my past, I realize that this behavior was not just a quirk of my personality; it reflected something deeper within me.

Let me take you back to a summer concert years ago to see the MC5 out of Detroit. The excitement was in the air as fans gathered outside the venue, eagerly awaiting the gates to open. I had been looking forward to this concert for months, and I was determined to be at the front of the line. As I arrived, I noticed a group of people who had been waiting for hours, some even camping out overnight. But that didn’t matter to me. I pushed my way to the front, ignoring the annoyed glances from those who had been patiently waiting. I felt a rush as I secured my spot, but as the concert began, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. I knew in my heart that I had messed up.

As the music played and the crowd jammed, I looked around and saw the faces of those who had been waiting just as long, if not longer, than I had. I realized that my need to be first had come at the expense of others’ experiences. I had prioritized my own desire for front-row access over the feelings of those around me. It was a moment of clarity that left me feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Why did I feel the need to be first? Where did this belief come from?

This question rolled around in my mind long after the concert ended. I began to reflect on my life and the patterns that had emerged. Growing up, I was often praised for my assertiveness and determination. I was the one who took charge in group projects, the one who volunteered to lead discussions, and the one who always seemed to be at the forefront of any situation. But as I delved deeper, I realized that this drive to be first was rooted in a fear of being overlooked, discounted or left behind. It was as if I had internalized the belief that my worth was tied to my ability to be at the front of the line.

I decided that I needed to begin a  quest of self-discovery, I started on a mission to find out more, I needed to understand why I acted this way, so I sought out stories from others who had experienced similar feelings. I spoke with a friend who had once been a competitive athlete. She recounted the pressure she felt to always be the best, to always be first. “I remember a race where I pushed myself so hard that I didn’t even notice the girl who fell behind me,” she shared. “I crossed the finish line, but I felt hollow. I had won, but at what cost?” Her story resonated with me, highlighting the emptiness that can accompany a relentless pursuit of being first. And yes, I know, being an athlete means being the best, first and fastest. But does that entitle us to perform like an athlete off the field in everyday life at the expense of others?

Another friend shared her experience of being a manager in a corporate setting. “I used to think that being the first to speak up in meetings made me a leader,” she said. “But I realized that it often stifled others’ voices. I was so focused on being heard that I didn’t create space for my team to contribute.” Her journey of learning to step back and allow others to shine was a powerful reminder that leadership is not about being at the front but about uplifting those around us.

As I continued to explore these stories, it dawned on me that the need to be first is often a reflection of our insecurities. It’s easy to equate being first with success, but true fulfillment comes from connection and empathy. (refer to Jim Collins book “Good to Great” and what makes a level 5 leader) It made sense after deep reflection to practice being more mindful in situations where I felt the urge to rush to the front. I began to ask myself, “What would it look like to let someone else go first?”

One day, I found myself in line at a coffee shop, and I noticed a young mother with a toddler in tow. The child was fidgeting and clearly restless, and I felt the familiar urge to push ahead. But instead of acting on that impulse, I took a deep breath and let the mother and child go ahead of me. As they moved forward, I saw the relief on her face, and in that moment, I felt a sense of understanding that I had never experienced when I was at the front. It was a small act, but it shifted my perspective. I realized that being at the front of the line didn’t define my worth; it was the kindness I showed to others that truly mattered.

This journey of self-discovery has taught me that there is beauty in allowing others to take the lead. It’s about recognizing that everyone has their own story, their own struggles, and their own desires. When we prioritize being first, we risk missing out on the richness of human connection. I’ve learned that sometimes, the least among us deserve to be at the front of the line, not just because they’ve waited the longest, but because they have something valuable to share.

As I continue to navigate this path, I remind myself that it’s okay to step back and let others shine. I’ve found that true fulfillment comes from lifting others up rather than pushing them down. The next time I find myself in a situation where I feel the urge to be first, I’ll pause and ask myself, “How can I create space for someone else?”

In a world that often celebrates the loudest voices and the fastest runners, let’s not forget the importance of compassion and empathy. Let’s strive to be the kind of people who recognize that sometimes, and not always, the least among us deserve to be at the front of the line. After all, it’s not about being first; it’s about being present, being kind, and being human.