The Deep End of The Pool

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With this being a spiritual time of year I have been thinking about what that means and in a world which is overflowing with beauty, pleasure, and the allure of the senses, it is easy to become sidetracked by the tangible delights that life offers. From the breathtaking landscapes to exquisite art, (which I have a passion for) the sweetness of our existence can be intoxicating. Yet, amidst all this abundance, there lies a profound truth: the pursuit of superficial pleasures often leads to a hollow existence. As St, John of the Cross wisely reflects, “I would not sacrifice my soul for all the beauty of this world.” This sentiment invites us to explore a deeper, more meaningful quest—one that transcends what we see and ventures into the heart of the Mystery.

After seeing Mirabai Starr at the Richard Rohr Conference a few months ago and having my mind blown, I thought today would be a good day to take a little journey into living life. These finite pleasures of life, while enticing, are ultimately fleeting. They may provide momentary satisfaction, but they do not nourish the soul. St. John’s assertion that “the taste of finite pleasure leads nowhere” resonates deeply in a society that often prioritizes instant gratification. We chase after experiences, possessions, and accolades, believing they will fill the void within us. However, as we indulge in these transient delights, we may find ourselves exhausted and unfulfilled, our appetites will be ravaged by the very things we sought for comfort. Have you ever felt this way?

This exhaustion is not merely physical; it is spiritual and represents two of the four quadrants. The soul, when deprived of deeper meaning, becomes weary. St John captures this sentiment beautifully: “Ordinary pleasures sicken her.” When we can awaken to the reality that our true longing cannot be satisfied by the superficial, we begin to seek something more profound—an “I-don’t-know-what” that lies hidden in the heart of the Mystery. Have you ever gone after something more profound in your life?

What is this “I-don’t-know-what”? Is it the essence of existence, the divine spark that ignites our souls and beckons us toward a greater understanding of life. Is it the call to explore the depths of our being, to confront the mysteries that lie beyond our comprehension. This journey is not for the faint of heart; it requires courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to embrace uncertainty.

Inspired by the teachings of John of the Cross, Mirabai Starr encourages us to trust the difficult path of unknowing. In her translation of John of the Cross’s poem “Glosa á lo Divino,” she illuminates the beauty and necessity of surrendering to the unknown. Starr emphasizes that the journey into the depths of the soul often involves navigating through darkness and confusion, yet it is precisely in this unknowing that we can encounter the other. St John reminds us that “the generous heart does not collapse into the easy things but rises up in adversity.” This resilience is a must in our quest for the Mystery. That which makes life worth living. It is easy to settle for the comforts of the world, to cling to what is familiar and safe. However, true growth occurs when we confront challenges and seek meaning in the face of adversity. Faith becomes our guiding light, lifting us higher as we navigate the complexities of life.

When we allow ourselves to be touched by the divine, our souls undergo a transformation. The St John describes this experience as a burning “love-longing,” a deep yearning for connection with the Mystery. Our tastes are transfigured; we no longer find satisfaction in the ordinary. Instead, we crave the extraordinary, the profound, and the sacred. Have you ever felt this?

This longing can feel like a fever, an insatiable desire that drives us to seek the ungraspable. We become aware that the pleasures we once cherished no longer hold the same allure. The sweetness of life pales in comparison to the richness of the spiritual journey. We begin to understand that true fulfillment lies not in what we can see or touch, but in what we can feel and intuit—a connection to something greater than ourselves. This is how it worked for me.

In our pursuit of the Mystery, we must remain steadfast in our commitment to authenticity. St John declares, “I will never lose myself for anything the senses can taste, nor for anything the mind can grasp.” This declaration is a powerful reminder to prioritize our inner truth over external validation. In a world that often encourages conformity and superficiality, we must resist the temptation to compromise our souls for fleeting pleasures.

Instead, we are called to embark on a journey of self-discovery, to delve into the depths of our being and uncover the unique essence that resides within us. This journey may lead us to unexpected places, challenging our beliefs and expanding our understanding of the world. Yet, it is in this exploration that we find the “I-don’t-know-what” that we seek—a profound connection to the Mystery that transcends our individual experiences.

As we navigate the complexities of this life, it is essential to embrace the journey itself. The path to the heart of the Mystery is not linear; it is filled with twists and turns, the hero’s journey, moments of doubt, and bursts of clarity. We may encounter obstacles that test our resolve, but it is through these challenges that we grow and evolve.

Mirabai Starr’s insights into John of the Cross’s teachings remind us that the journey into the unknown is not a solitary endeavor. It is a shared experience, one that connects us to the collective human experience of seeking and longing. St John’s unwavering commitment to the Mystery serves as an inspiration for us all. “I am bound for an I-don’t-know-what deep within the heart of the Mystery.” This declaration encapsulates the essence of our quest—a journey fueled by curiosity, faith, and a deep longing for connection. It invites us to step beyond the confines of our comfort zones and explore the vastness of existence.

In a world that often prioritizes the tangible and the known, the call to embrace the Mystery is both radical and transformative. It challenges us to look beyond the surface and seek the deeper truths that lie hidden within. If we embark on this journey, we may find that the beauty of life is not found in the pleasures we can taste or the accolades we can achieve, but in the profound connections we forge with ourselves, others, and the divine.

Ultimately, the quest for the “I-don’t-know-what” is a journey of the soul—a journey that invites us to risk everything for the sake of authenticity, love, and the pursuit of meaning. As we navigate the complexities of existence, may we remain open to the Mystery that awaits us, savoring the richness of life that transcends the ordinary and embraces the extraordinary. In trusting the difficult path of unknowing, we may discover that the heart of the Mystery is not a destination, but a continuous unfolding of love, wisdom, and profound connection.

Inspired by the teachings of John of the Cross, Mirabai Starr encourages us to trust the difficult path of unknowing: Starr translates John of the Cross’s poem “Glosa á lo Divino”:

I would not sacrifice my soul

for all the beauty of this world

There is only one thing

for which I would risk everything:

an I-don’t-know-what

that lies hidden

in the heart of the Mystery.

The taste of finite pleasure

leads nowhere.

All it does is exhaust the appetite

and ravage the palate.

And so, I would not sacrifice my soul

for all the sweetness of this world.

But I would risk everything

for an I-don’t-know-what

that lies hidden

in the heart of the Mystery.

The generous heart

does not collapse into the easy things,

but rises up in adversity.

It settles for nothing.

Faith lifts it higher and higher.

Such a heart savors

an I-don’t-know-what

found only in the heart of the Mystery.

The soul that God has touched

burns with love-longing.

Her tastes have been transfigured.

Ordinary pleasures sicken her.

She is like a person with a fever.

nothing tastes good anymore.

All she wants

is an I-don’t-know-what

locked in the heart of

the Mystery….

I will never lose myself

for anything the senses can taste,

nor for anything the mind can grasp,

no matter how sublime,

            how delicious.

I will not pause for beauty,

I will not linger over grace.

I am bound for

an I-don’t-know-what

deep within the heart of the Mystery.

 

Find Mirabai Starr’s work here

Seven Decades, A Journey of Learning and Sharing

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Today, I thought I would take a moment to talk about myself, a topic I don’t often delve into with much depth. As I sit here, fingers poised over the keyboard, I find myself reflecting on the reasons why people write blogs. Is it to share knowledge, to connect with others, or perhaps to leave a small mark on the world? Truthfully, I wonder if my reasons are much different from those behind the wonderfully written blogs that populate the vast expanse of the internet. So here it is, a glimpse into my journey and the motivations that drive me to write.

In my seven decades of life, I’ve learned a few things. Most of these lessons have come from the mistakes I’ve made—those missteps I vowed never to repeat, only to find myself stumbling over them once more. It’s a humbling experience, realizing that despite our best intentions, we are all fallible. Yet, it’s through these very mistakes that I’ve grown, each one a steppingstone on the path of self-discovery.

This quest for understanding led me to seek out numerous trainings, each one a beacon of hope in my search for answers. I became a spiritual director and companion, a Master Certified Coach (MCC), a Narrative Enneagram teacher, and an emotional intelligence coach with Six Seconds, among other roles. Each title represents a chapter in my journey, a testament to my insatiable curiosity and desire to understand the human experience.

At the end of the day, what truly matters to me is working with other people. But let me be clear—it’s not because I believe I have all the answers. Far from it. Rather, I hope that, for some, I can be a light that illuminates their path, even if just a little. It’s a privilege to walk alongside others as they navigate their own journeys, offering support and guidance where I can.

The purpose of this blog, then, is to explore the issues that affect our society, to write about the things that impact us as a community. My hope is to offer insights, hope, or simply information that might resonate with someone out there. In a world that often feels fragmented and disconnected, perhaps these words can serve as a small bridge, connecting us through our shared experiences and understanding.

As I reflect on my life, I am reminded of the importance of community. We are, after all, social creatures, wired for connection. It’s in our interactions with others that we find meaning and purpose. Whether it’s a conversation with a friend, a shared moment with a stranger, or the simple act of listening, these connections end up being the threads that weave the fabric of our lives.

In my work as a spiritual director and coach, I’ve had the privilege of witnessing the resilience and strength of the human spirit. I’ve seen people overcome incredible odds, find healing in the face of deep wounds, and discover joy in the most unexpected places. These experiences have taught me that, no matter how dark the night, (dark night of the soul) there is always a glimmer of hope on the horizon.

One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned is the power of vulnerability. It’s in our willingness to be open and honest, to share our struggles and fears, that we find true connection. It’s a lesson I’ve had to learn time and again, as I navigate my own vulnerabilities and insecurities. But each time I choose to be vulnerable, I am reminded of the strength that lies in authenticity.

As I write this, I am filled with gratitude for the journey that has brought me here. It’s been a winding road, full of unexpected twists and turns, but each step has been a valuable part of my story. And while I may not have all the answers, I am committed to continuing this journey of learning and growth, both for myself and for those I have the privilege of working with.

I want to thank you for taking the time to read these words. Whether you’re a fellow seeker on this journey of life, or simply someone looking for a moment of connection, I hope you’ve found something here that resonates with you. As we navigate the complexities of our world, may we continue to seek understanding, to offer kindness, and to hold onto hope. After all, it’s in these small acts that we find the true essence of what it means to be human.

And since you joined me on this reflective journey today. I wonder If these words have resonated with you, and if so, I invite you to become part of this ongoing conversation. Share your thoughts, experiences, or questions in the comments below. Let’s build a community where we can learn from each other, support one another, and shine a light on the paths we walk together. If you know someone who might find value in these reflections, please share this blog with them. Together, we can create a ripple of connection and understanding in our world. Subscribe to stay updated on future posts, www.spiritofeq.com/blog and let’s continue this journey of growth and discovery side by side.

When will the least go first?

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If I can be really, painfully honest for a minute, I’ve always been the type of person who believes in being first. As an “8” on the Enneagram with a 1:1 subtype, I have a personality that can be described as “large or go home.” This trait has shaped my life in many ways, often pushing me to the front of the line—whether it was for food, concert tickets, or training sessions. I was the one who would elbow my way through the crowd, determined to secure my spot at the front. But as I reflect on my past, I realize that this behavior was not just a quirk of my personality; it reflected something deeper within me.

Let me take you back to a summer concert years ago to see the MC5 out of Detroit. The excitement was in the air as fans gathered outside the venue, eagerly awaiting the gates to open. I had been looking forward to this concert for months, and I was determined to be at the front of the line. As I arrived, I noticed a group of people who had been waiting for hours, some even camping out overnight. But that didn’t matter to me. I pushed my way to the front, ignoring the annoyed glances from those who had been patiently waiting. I felt a rush as I secured my spot, but as the concert began, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. I knew in my heart that I had messed up.

As the music played and the crowd jammed, I looked around and saw the faces of those who had been waiting just as long, if not longer, than I had. I realized that my need to be first had come at the expense of others’ experiences. I had prioritized my own desire for front-row access over the feelings of those around me. It was a moment of clarity that left me feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Why did I feel the need to be first? Where did this belief come from?

This question rolled around in my mind long after the concert ended. I began to reflect on my life and the patterns that had emerged. Growing up, I was often praised for my assertiveness and determination. I was the one who took charge in group projects, the one who volunteered to lead discussions, and the one who always seemed to be at the forefront of any situation. But as I delved deeper, I realized that this drive to be first was rooted in a fear of being overlooked, discounted or left behind. It was as if I had internalized the belief that my worth was tied to my ability to be at the front of the line.

I decided that I needed to begin a  quest of self-discovery, I started on a mission to find out more, I needed to understand why I acted this way, so I sought out stories from others who had experienced similar feelings. I spoke with a friend who had once been a competitive athlete. She recounted the pressure she felt to always be the best, to always be first. “I remember a race where I pushed myself so hard that I didn’t even notice the girl who fell behind me,” she shared. “I crossed the finish line, but I felt hollow. I had won, but at what cost?” Her story resonated with me, highlighting the emptiness that can accompany a relentless pursuit of being first. And yes, I know, being an athlete means being the best, first and fastest. But does that entitle us to perform like an athlete off the field in everyday life at the expense of others?

Another friend shared her experience of being a manager in a corporate setting. “I used to think that being the first to speak up in meetings made me a leader,” she said. “But I realized that it often stifled others’ voices. I was so focused on being heard that I didn’t create space for my team to contribute.” Her journey of learning to step back and allow others to shine was a powerful reminder that leadership is not about being at the front but about uplifting those around us.

As I continued to explore these stories, it dawned on me that the need to be first is often a reflection of our insecurities. It’s easy to equate being first with success, but true fulfillment comes from connection and empathy. (refer to Jim Collins book “Good to Great” and what makes a level 5 leader) It made sense after deep reflection to practice being more mindful in situations where I felt the urge to rush to the front. I began to ask myself, “What would it look like to let someone else go first?”

One day, I found myself in line at a coffee shop, and I noticed a young mother with a toddler in tow. The child was fidgeting and clearly restless, and I felt the familiar urge to push ahead. But instead of acting on that impulse, I took a deep breath and let the mother and child go ahead of me. As they moved forward, I saw the relief on her face, and in that moment, I felt a sense of understanding that I had never experienced when I was at the front. It was a small act, but it shifted my perspective. I realized that being at the front of the line didn’t define my worth; it was the kindness I showed to others that truly mattered.

This journey of self-discovery has taught me that there is beauty in allowing others to take the lead. It’s about recognizing that everyone has their own story, their own struggles, and their own desires. When we prioritize being first, we risk missing out on the richness of human connection. I’ve learned that sometimes, the least among us deserve to be at the front of the line, not just because they’ve waited the longest, but because they have something valuable to share.

As I continue to navigate this path, I remind myself that it’s okay to step back and let others shine. I’ve found that true fulfillment comes from lifting others up rather than pushing them down. The next time I find myself in a situation where I feel the urge to be first, I’ll pause and ask myself, “How can I create space for someone else?”

In a world that often celebrates the loudest voices and the fastest runners, let’s not forget the importance of compassion and empathy. Let’s strive to be the kind of people who recognize that sometimes, and not always, the least among us deserve to be at the front of the line. After all, it’s not about being first; it’s about being present, being kind, and being human.